An Interview with Edward
by 4ever1
Summary: What if Twilight was part of a biography? This is my interview with Edward.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the authors. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

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**The Interview**

Authors Note: I got this idea while reading a fanfic by BluvsE4everandever-xoxo

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**Me:** First I would like to thank you Mr. Cullen, for agreeing to this interview

**Edward**: Please, call me Edward, and the pleasure is mine, of course

**Me**: Before, we start, can I get you something to drink, these interviews tend to last awhile?

**Edward**: Well thank you for your offer, but I thought you understood I was a vegetarian, and besides, if I accepted your offer, who would be left to conduct the interview?

**Me:** (nervous chuckle) heee heee, oh, right, I almost forgot you were ahhhh, what is the politically correct word these days . . .

**Edward:** I believe the word you are looking for is _Nihb_.

**Me**: No, I don't think that was the word I was looking for, but what does that mean?

**Edward:** Nihb is what we call ourselves; those who Never Indulge in Human Blood, _Nihb._

**Me:** So, out of the entire Vampire population, about what percentage would you estimate are Nihbs?

**Edward:** I would guess, less then 5 percent of population is a practicing Nihb. I would wager somewhere between 10-15 percent of the population is a _Sihb_.

**Me:** Sihb?

**Edward**: Sometimes Indulging in Human Blood

**Me**: Okay then.

**Me:** Since Ms. Meyer wrote a section your biography, you have obtained a certain level of stardom here in the United States, how has that changed you?

**Edward:** Well, since the public has been alerted to my driving habits, I have received a few speeding tickets, and the IRS is trying to collect back taxes from 1918, hey do you know of a good CPA or lawyer – I mean isn't there a statute of limitations on taxes, and technically speaking by any definition of the law, I am _dead_ – unless they are now saying you can't get out of taxes even if you are dead?

**Me:** Oh, no, but perhaps after the show you can talk to our producers, I know they have some good lawyers, I had to sign a few long waivers before they would let me interview you.

**Me:** So the question that is on the mind of all your fans, is there really a Bella?

**Edward:** Yes, of course there is a Bella, I am not that creative.

**Me:** Why have you not been seen with her in public? The tabloids have certainly taken their share of photographs of you?

**Edward:** Well, at first it was because we signed an exclusive agreement with Ms. Meyer that Bella would not be photographed until after the third book in the biography was published, this way she would be able to maintain a certain level of surprise as to whether Bella becomes a Vampire or not.

**Me**: It's been almost a year since Breaking Dawn was published, why the secrecy now?

**Edward:** About a year ago, Bella and I signed a contract with MTV reality productions, to star in our own reality show, _Loving Dracula_. Bella, will make her first public appearance on that show, which will air in MTV's September lineup. This will be a great show, the cameras followed Bella and I around in our every-day life for six months. It will truly give the public insight on just how _tough_ it is to be a Nihb, and it will profile prejudices we face in the vampire and human populations alike.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the authors. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

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**The Interview Deux**

**Me**: Are you worried about the MTV Jinx?

**Edward**: Yes, and no. Yes, Bella and I have discussed the MTV Jinx, but we found that those couples had a few common threads that Bella and I do not share, therefore, we think the Jinx will not apply to us.

**Me:** Would you please elaborate on that?

**Edward**: Sure, but first I would like to tell a joke, I promised Emmett –

**Me:** okay

**Edward**: Knock Knock

**Me:** Who's there?

**Edward**: Drink

**Me:** Drink, who?

**Edward**: Drink You!!!!! (robust laugh)

**Me: (gasp)**

**Edward**: Sorry, I didn't mean to frighten you, I am a _Nihb_, remember –

**Me:** (awkwardly) Oh I wasn't scared, just shocked, you don't seem to be the joke telling type

**Edward**: Marriage changes a man – would you believe before he meet Rosalie, Emmett was a nuclear physicist – who liked to hunt on the weekends?

**Me:** Let's get back on track, here, the MTV Jinx – why do you and Bella think you're immune?

**Edward**: Let's explore the MTV reality shows, first the women of MTV reality shows, Jessica, Shanna and Carmen are all blondes or have dyed their hair blonde at some point, Bella does not have blonde hair and she has never died her hair blonde.

Nick, Dave and Travis, all these guys have tattoos. I do not have any.

Jessica, Shanna and Carmen, have, um well they have large, _boobies._

Bella's, are, well um, Bella's are, well you know what they say?

**Me:** No, what do they say?

**Edward**: Uh, a handful is just enough!

**Me: **But, you Nick, Dave and Travis do have a commonality?

**Edward**: What's that?

**Me: **You are all musically inclined

**Edward: **Yes, but I am the only one who is talented.

**Me: **Why do you think that?

**Edward: **Do they have record deals with the Dog, the Daddy / Diddy, Run, and Chamil?

**Me: **Good, point. That brings me to my last question, this is one all your fans would like to know,

**Edward: **shoot

**Me: **If you could drink, anyone in the world, who would it be?

**Edward: **but I can,

**Me:** Can what?

**Edward:** I can drink anyone in the world I wish, I just choose not too

**Me:** That's not what I meant, it is a hypothetical question, you know, like if someone was to ask you who you would like to meet in Heaven?

**Edward:** _Why_ would anyone ask me that?

**Me:** They wouldn't, that is the point.

**Edward:** The point of what?

**Me:** The point of why I asked you who would you drink?

**Edward:** Oh, okay I think I understand, you mean who would I most want to drink if I choose to?

**Me:** yes

**Edward: _Newton_**


End file.
